Jan, 1 2013

Well, today, I can honestly say that, I don't know what to expect. It's a new year, and with my history, it's a new time for another new torture device that can be used against me. You see, my parents, as loving as they are but I wouldn’t call it that, restrict me too much. I have never been touched by them, well, not yet at least, but I unfortunately can't say the same about others. My school mates think that I'm a good target. They always called me hurtful names behind my back, and threw stuff. Just because of the way that I dressed when I was younger. Unfortunately, the insults and same old tiring games have followed my through out my whole schooling life. I am now 16, so, a sophomore. I am just thankful that the abuse at school has stopped. I had to be transferred to make it stop, which means that the school lied. There is a no bullying policy, and well, I was bullied. Now, I have gotten myself grounded. I can not do anything that I was using to keep my sanity, although, according to my parents, I was doing something that I wasn't to suppose to. And here's the sad part, I don't even know what I did to get myself grounded. Life is getting worse I don't know how to describe it. And even if I did,I wouldn't because I have a feeling that my brother looks in here. I don't know what else to put. Let's just hope that life will get better tomorrow, that's all I can do now.....

Jan 2 2013

My fear was realized. I can't write anything in here that will express my true feelings, because I found my brother leafing through my journal. Though I had been given hints that he was doing it anyways. I have been getting into more lectures with my parents over what I need to focus on, and they are using the examples that have written down. I do still care what most people think of me, but not as much as I used to. Today, I'm on another slope. I honestly don't know if that makes sense, but its true. I think something has finally snapped in my head, and now, I have homicidal thoughts. I'm scared of what will happen if I keep them to myself. I know that I have to express them, and journal writing just isn't working anymore. I want to kill something. I need to feel power, but how.... and when.....

Jan 3 2013

I HATE MY LIFE! I can't focus anymore! My boyfriend has become a big pain. Any time I ignore him for 3 seconds, he turns around saying that he will kill himself if I don't pay him more attention that what ever I am doing. I don’t know when I should tell him it's over, or just kill him.... hmm...... killing sounds like a good idea. Anyways, back to what I was saying. My pets are dying of strange illnesses. The vets can`t figure out whats happening to them. This morning, I woke up on the front lawn, in a snow bank. not being able to remember anything that had happened. That's not the only strange occurrence to happen to me in the last few weeks. It’s almost like I black out, and when I come back to my senses, there’s something dead. I keep a collection of squirrel and bird heads in the back of my closet, along with my journal. I can`t imagine what my parents would say if they found out what I’m doing. I have now turned to drugs to try and stop what I am doing, but they don’t help any. If anything, I black out more, I don’t know if that’s even the right word. I took the drugs, and then, my worst enemy turned up dead hours later. I can`t keep this up. I am giving it a week, if it's not clear by then..... I too, WILL end up dead.

Jan 4 2013

I know I said that I would wait a week until I do something stupid, but I cut the houses natural gas line last night. My family is dead. I will be dead, but not by that. What is really scaring my, is the fact that, after I watched my brother stagger out of the house, I pushed him back in, and then lit a match, and threw it into the house, so it was set on fire. I ENJOYED listening to the screaming inside. I am currently waiting on a neighbouring roof, for the fire department to come, then I will slit my throat, .... I may do something else, *snickers to self* and fall in front of them. This journal will be thrown into the fire seconds before I do that. Maybe now everyone will be happy with me..... I know that everyone WILL be happy for my death....